An extract from an article by Dr.Spielberger, PhD , in American Psychological Association website
People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming. Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive—not aggressive—manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.
Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behavior. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn't allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inward—on yourself. Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression.
Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, and making cynical comments haven't learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren't likely to have many successful relationships.
Finally, you can calm down inside. This means not just controlling your outward behavior, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings subside.
As Dr. Spielberger notes, "when none of these three techniques work, that's when someone—or something—is going to get hurt."
Friday, January 13, 2012
What causes anger?
An interesting article I found on the web by Tristan Loo
http://ezinearticles.com/?What-Causes-Anger?&id=58598
Anger is a strong emotion of displeasure caused by some type of grievance that is either real or perceived to be real by a person. The cognitive behavior theory attributes anger to several factors such as past experiences, behavior learned from others, genetic predispositions, and a lack of problem-solving ability. To put it more simply, anger is caused by a combination of two factors: an irrational perception of reality ("It has to be done my way") and a low frustration point ("It's my way or no way"). Anger is an internal reaction that is perceived to have a external cause. Angry people almost always blame their reactions on some person or some event, but rarely do they realize that the reason they are angry is because of their irrational perception of the world. Angry people have a certain perception and expectation of the world that they live in and when that reality does not meet their expectation of it, then they become angry.
It is important to understand that not all anger is unhealthy. Anger is one of our most primitive defense mechanisms that protects and motivates us from being dominated or manipulated by others. It gives us the added strength, courage, and motivation needed to combat injustice done against us or to others that we love. However, if anger is left uncontrolled and free to take over the mind and body at any time, then anger becomes destructive.
Why We Need to Control Anger
Just like a person who is under the control of a street drug---a person under the influence of anger cannot rationalize, comprehend, or make good decisions because anger distorts logical reasoning into blind emotion. You become unable to think clearly and your emotions take control of your actions. Physiologically speaking, anger enacts the fight or flight response in our brain, which increases our blood pressure and releases adrenaline into our bloodstream, thereby increasing our strength and pain threshold. Anger makes us think of only two things: (1) Defend, or (2) Attack. Neither of these options facilitates a good negotiation.
Internal Sources of Anger
Our internal sources of anger come from our irrational perceptions of reality. Psychologists have identified four types of thinking that contribute to anger.
1. Emotional reasoning. People who reason emotionally misinterpret normal events and things that other people say as being directly threatening to their needs and goals. People who use emotional reasoning tend to become irritated at something innocent that other people tell them because they perceive it as an attack on themselves. Emotional reasoning can lead to dysfunctional anger in the long run.
2. Low frustration tolerance. All of us at some point have experienced a time where our tolerance for frustration was low. Often stress-related anxiety lowers our tolerance for frustration and we begin to perceive normal things as threats to our well-being or threats to our ego.
3. Unreasonable expectations. When people make demands, they see things as how they should be and not as they really are. This lowers their frustration tolerance because people who have unreasonable expectations expect others to act a certain way, or for uncontrollable events to behave in a predictable manner. When these things do not go their way, then anger, frustration, and eventually depression set in.
4. People-rating. People-rating is an anger-causing type of thinking where the person applies a derogatory label on someone else. By rating someone as a "bitch" or a "bastard," it dehumanizes them and makes it easier for them to become angry at the person.
External Sources Of Anger
There are a hundreds of internal and external events that can make us angry, but given the parameters of a negotiating situation, we can narrow these factors down to four general events.
1. The person makes personal attacks against us. The other side attacks you along with the problem in the form of verbal abuse.
2. The person attacks our ideas. The other side chops down our ideas, opinions, and options.
3. The person threatens our needs. The person threatens to take away a basic need of ours if they do not get their way i.e. "I'll make sure you'll never work in this city again."
4. We get frustrated. Our tolerance level for getting things done might be low or affected by any number of environmental factors in our lives.
Factors That Lower Our Frustration Tolerance
1. Stress / Anxiety. When our stress-level increases, our tolerance for frustration decreases. This is why there are so many domestic disputes and divorces over financial problems.
2. Pain. Physical and emotional pain lowers our frustration tolerance. This is because we are so focused on taking care of our survival needs, that we do not have time for anything or anyone else.
3. Drugs / Alcohol. Drugs and alcohol affect how our brain processes information and can make a person more irritable or bring forward repressed emotions or memories that can trigger anger.
4. Recent irritations. Recent irritations can also be called "having a bad day." It's the little irritations that add up during the course of the day that lower our tolerance for frustration. Recent irritations can be: stepping in a puddle, spilling coffee on your shirt, being late for work, being stuck in a traffic jam, having a flat tire.
Recognizing the Physiological Signs of Anger
By recognizing the physiological signs of anger, we can attune ourselves to know when it is time to take measures to make sure that our level of anger does not get out of control. Here are some symptoms of anger:
1. Unconscious tensing of muscles, especially in the face and neck.
2. Teeth grinding
3. Breathing rate increases dramatically
4. Face turns red and veins start to become visible due to an increase in blood pressure
5. Face turns pale
6. Sweating
7. Feeling hot or cold
8. Shaking in the hands
9. Goosebumps
10. Heart rate increases
11. Adrenaline is released into your system creating a surge of power.
Am I Right to be Angry?
Damn right you are. You have your own perception and expectation of the world that you live in and when the reality that you live in fails to meet your expectations, then yes you have the right to be angry. Afterall, if everyone thought alike, then the world would be a pretty dull place to live. You are going to run into situations that you don't enjoy. You are going to run into people who don't respect your views and ideas. The feeling of anger is totally justified according to your beliefs and so don't repress or deny those feelings.
Having to right to feel angry does not mean that you have the right to lash out in anger by attacking the other person. You can't change the views of other people to conform to your own because, like you, they have their own right to uphold their view of the world. The best thing you can do is recognize your anger and focus it on the problem instead of your counterpart.
Key Points
Being angry or frustrated is just like being under the influence of a drug. It prevents you from rationalizing and thinking logically.
Anger is caused by a combination of an irrational perception of reality and a low frustration point.
Anger is a natural response and you have every right to be angry, but you must learn to keep that anger in check during a negotiation because once you react in any negotiation, then you lose the agreement.
About The Author
Tristan J. Loo is an experienced negotiator and an expert in conflict resolution. He uses his law enforcement experience to train others in the prinicples of defusing conflict and reaching agreements. Visit the Street Negotiation website at http://www.streetnegotiation.com or contact tristan at: tristan@streetnegotiation.com
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Tristan_Loo
http://ezinearticles.com/?What-Causes-Anger?&id=58598
Anger is a strong emotion of displeasure caused by some type of grievance that is either real or perceived to be real by a person. The cognitive behavior theory attributes anger to several factors such as past experiences, behavior learned from others, genetic predispositions, and a lack of problem-solving ability. To put it more simply, anger is caused by a combination of two factors: an irrational perception of reality ("It has to be done my way") and a low frustration point ("It's my way or no way"). Anger is an internal reaction that is perceived to have a external cause. Angry people almost always blame their reactions on some person or some event, but rarely do they realize that the reason they are angry is because of their irrational perception of the world. Angry people have a certain perception and expectation of the world that they live in and when that reality does not meet their expectation of it, then they become angry.
It is important to understand that not all anger is unhealthy. Anger is one of our most primitive defense mechanisms that protects and motivates us from being dominated or manipulated by others. It gives us the added strength, courage, and motivation needed to combat injustice done against us or to others that we love. However, if anger is left uncontrolled and free to take over the mind and body at any time, then anger becomes destructive.
Why We Need to Control Anger
Just like a person who is under the control of a street drug---a person under the influence of anger cannot rationalize, comprehend, or make good decisions because anger distorts logical reasoning into blind emotion. You become unable to think clearly and your emotions take control of your actions. Physiologically speaking, anger enacts the fight or flight response in our brain, which increases our blood pressure and releases adrenaline into our bloodstream, thereby increasing our strength and pain threshold. Anger makes us think of only two things: (1) Defend, or (2) Attack. Neither of these options facilitates a good negotiation.
Internal Sources of Anger
Our internal sources of anger come from our irrational perceptions of reality. Psychologists have identified four types of thinking that contribute to anger.
1. Emotional reasoning. People who reason emotionally misinterpret normal events and things that other people say as being directly threatening to their needs and goals. People who use emotional reasoning tend to become irritated at something innocent that other people tell them because they perceive it as an attack on themselves. Emotional reasoning can lead to dysfunctional anger in the long run.
2. Low frustration tolerance. All of us at some point have experienced a time where our tolerance for frustration was low. Often stress-related anxiety lowers our tolerance for frustration and we begin to perceive normal things as threats to our well-being or threats to our ego.
3. Unreasonable expectations. When people make demands, they see things as how they should be and not as they really are. This lowers their frustration tolerance because people who have unreasonable expectations expect others to act a certain way, or for uncontrollable events to behave in a predictable manner. When these things do not go their way, then anger, frustration, and eventually depression set in.
4. People-rating. People-rating is an anger-causing type of thinking where the person applies a derogatory label on someone else. By rating someone as a "bitch" or a "bastard," it dehumanizes them and makes it easier for them to become angry at the person.
External Sources Of Anger
There are a hundreds of internal and external events that can make us angry, but given the parameters of a negotiating situation, we can narrow these factors down to four general events.
1. The person makes personal attacks against us. The other side attacks you along with the problem in the form of verbal abuse.
2. The person attacks our ideas. The other side chops down our ideas, opinions, and options.
3. The person threatens our needs. The person threatens to take away a basic need of ours if they do not get their way i.e. "I'll make sure you'll never work in this city again."
4. We get frustrated. Our tolerance level for getting things done might be low or affected by any number of environmental factors in our lives.
Factors That Lower Our Frustration Tolerance
1. Stress / Anxiety. When our stress-level increases, our tolerance for frustration decreases. This is why there are so many domestic disputes and divorces over financial problems.
2. Pain. Physical and emotional pain lowers our frustration tolerance. This is because we are so focused on taking care of our survival needs, that we do not have time for anything or anyone else.
3. Drugs / Alcohol. Drugs and alcohol affect how our brain processes information and can make a person more irritable or bring forward repressed emotions or memories that can trigger anger.
4. Recent irritations. Recent irritations can also be called "having a bad day." It's the little irritations that add up during the course of the day that lower our tolerance for frustration. Recent irritations can be: stepping in a puddle, spilling coffee on your shirt, being late for work, being stuck in a traffic jam, having a flat tire.
Recognizing the Physiological Signs of Anger
By recognizing the physiological signs of anger, we can attune ourselves to know when it is time to take measures to make sure that our level of anger does not get out of control. Here are some symptoms of anger:
1. Unconscious tensing of muscles, especially in the face and neck.
2. Teeth grinding
3. Breathing rate increases dramatically
4. Face turns red and veins start to become visible due to an increase in blood pressure
5. Face turns pale
6. Sweating
7. Feeling hot or cold
8. Shaking in the hands
9. Goosebumps
10. Heart rate increases
11. Adrenaline is released into your system creating a surge of power.
Am I Right to be Angry?
Damn right you are. You have your own perception and expectation of the world that you live in and when the reality that you live in fails to meet your expectations, then yes you have the right to be angry. Afterall, if everyone thought alike, then the world would be a pretty dull place to live. You are going to run into situations that you don't enjoy. You are going to run into people who don't respect your views and ideas. The feeling of anger is totally justified according to your beliefs and so don't repress or deny those feelings.
Having to right to feel angry does not mean that you have the right to lash out in anger by attacking the other person. You can't change the views of other people to conform to your own because, like you, they have their own right to uphold their view of the world. The best thing you can do is recognize your anger and focus it on the problem instead of your counterpart.
Key Points
Being angry or frustrated is just like being under the influence of a drug. It prevents you from rationalizing and thinking logically.
Anger is caused by a combination of an irrational perception of reality and a low frustration point.
Anger is a natural response and you have every right to be angry, but you must learn to keep that anger in check during a negotiation because once you react in any negotiation, then you lose the agreement.
About The Author
Tristan J. Loo is an experienced negotiator and an expert in conflict resolution. He uses his law enforcement experience to train others in the prinicples of defusing conflict and reaching agreements. Visit the Street Negotiation website at http://www.streetnegotiation.com or contact tristan at: tristan@streetnegotiation.com
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Tristan_Loo
Sunday, January 1, 2012
The guy in the glass
Peter "Dale" Wimbrow Sr. wrote the poem "The Guy in the Glass in 1934. The poem has become also known, incorrectly, as "The Man in the Glass" or sometimes, "The Man in the Mirror", but the thought is the same, the message clear...'you can fool the whole world down the pathway of years, but you can't fool the guy staring back from the glass' . The word pelf in the first line is an informal word for money/wealth.
I find this most touching and very powerfully written.
When you get what you want in your struggle for pelf,
And the world makes you King for a day,
Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,
And see what that guy has to say.
For it isn't your Father, or Mother, or Wife,
Who judgement upon you must pass.
The feller whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the guy staring back from the glass.
He's the feller to please, never mind all the rest,
For he's with you clear up to the end,
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the guy in the glass is your friend.
You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum,
And think you're a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.
You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,
And get pats on the back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
If you've cheated the guy in the glass.
I find this most touching and very powerfully written.
When you get what you want in your struggle for pelf,
And the world makes you King for a day,
Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,
And see what that guy has to say.
For it isn't your Father, or Mother, or Wife,
Who judgement upon you must pass.
The feller whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the guy staring back from the glass.
He's the feller to please, never mind all the rest,
For he's with you clear up to the end,
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the guy in the glass is your friend.
You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum,
And think you're a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.
You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,
And get pats on the back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
If you've cheated the guy in the glass.
I am me
A poem by Virginia Satir that captures the essence of being OK
I am me
In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me.
Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone choose it - I own everything about me - my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or to myself - I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears - I own all my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me - by so doing I can love me and be friendly with me in all my parts - I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know - but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself,
I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and for ways to find out more about me - However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me - If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought and felt turned out to be unfitting, I can discard that which I feel is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded - I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do.
I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me - I own me, and therefore I can engineer me - I am me &
I AM OKAY
by Virginia Satir
I am me
In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me.
Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone choose it - I own everything about me - my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or to myself - I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears - I own all my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me - by so doing I can love me and be friendly with me in all my parts - I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know - but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself,
I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and for ways to find out more about me - However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me - If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought and felt turned out to be unfitting, I can discard that which I feel is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded - I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do.
I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me - I own me, and therefore I can engineer me - I am me &
I AM OKAY
by Virginia Satir
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Wealth and Happiness
This is an extract from Daniel Kahneman's work on the relationship between wealth and happiness
"The belief that high income is associated with happiness is mostly illusory. People with above-average income are relatively satisfied with their lives but are barely happier than others in moment-to-moment experience, tend to be more tense and do not spend more time in particularly enjoyable activities."
Tal Ben Shahar says in Happiness, "Ironically people seem more depressed once they attain material prosperity than they did when striving for it. The rat racer is sustained by hope that his actions will yield some future benefit, which makes the nagative emotions more bearable. Once he reaches his destination and realises that material prosperity did not make him happy, there is nothing to sustain him. Paradoxically, "making it" makes them less happy, because earlier they were sustained by the belief that once they got there they would be happy."
"When we get more wealthy, we resume our expectations upwards and so we aspire for ever more lofty and expensive pleasures - a treadmill that never ends, even for billionnaires. The rich may experience more pleasure than the poor, but they also need more pleasure to be equally satisfied.
Kaneman's research suggests one way to escape from this hedonic treadmill - a life rich in rewarding relationships.
"The belief that high income is associated with happiness is mostly illusory. People with above-average income are relatively satisfied with their lives but are barely happier than others in moment-to-moment experience, tend to be more tense and do not spend more time in particularly enjoyable activities."
Tal Ben Shahar says in Happiness, "Ironically people seem more depressed once they attain material prosperity than they did when striving for it. The rat racer is sustained by hope that his actions will yield some future benefit, which makes the nagative emotions more bearable. Once he reaches his destination and realises that material prosperity did not make him happy, there is nothing to sustain him. Paradoxically, "making it" makes them less happy, because earlier they were sustained by the belief that once they got there they would be happy."
"When we get more wealthy, we resume our expectations upwards and so we aspire for ever more lofty and expensive pleasures - a treadmill that never ends, even for billionnaires. The rich may experience more pleasure than the poor, but they also need more pleasure to be equally satisfied.
Kaneman's research suggests one way to escape from this hedonic treadmill - a life rich in rewarding relationships.
Hope makes the placebo work
Hope is a emotion where the mind travels into the future in time and creates joy in the present moment in anticipation of that future. It not just creates a positive mood, it also influences our action in the present. It can create motivation to pursue the goals.
Tal Ben Shahar says in his book Happier, “Our focus is not so much on attaining goals as in having them.” The purpose of having a future goal, the attainment of which is meaningful to us, enhances our happiness in the present and increases our level of well-being every step of the way.
Having hope is to imagine a positive outcome. Most of the things we do are unconsciously processed. Thus if we visualise the positive outcome and believe it will happen, we can putting into place
We need hope to bounce back after disappointment. Even if the present is unpleasant, the thought of a positive future can be stress-buffering and can reduce the impact of negative events or disappointment. Hope allows you to tap into your adaptability and resourcefulness and reassures you that you will get through the tough time.
Tal Ben Shahar says in his book Happier, “Our focus is not so much on attaining goals as in having them.” The purpose of having a future goal, the attainment of which is meaningful to us, enhances our happiness in the present and increases our level of well-being every step of the way.
Having hope is to imagine a positive outcome. Most of the things we do are unconsciously processed. Thus if we visualise the positive outcome and believe it will happen, we can putting into place
We need hope to bounce back after disappointment. Even if the present is unpleasant, the thought of a positive future can be stress-buffering and can reduce the impact of negative events or disappointment. Hope allows you to tap into your adaptability and resourcefulness and reassures you that you will get through the tough time.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Two chair work
I have experienced two chair work in therapy and found it a powerful, effective and creative intervention for bringing about change. In Transactional Analysis, in redecision work, the client sits on one chair and has a confrontation with the parental figure from whom he or she took a limiting message. Using chairs and imagery, the client is brought back to a scene that connects to the original injunction and acceptance decision. The client now confronts the parent or parental figures and tells them that he or she will no longer accept the injunction and that he/her will now live his/ her own life, in defiance of the figure, if necessary.
The client is encouraged to express what he or she wants to the parental figure. The therapist plays an active role in the process, almost like a director, asking the client to express how he/she feels and asks for what he/she wants clearly. The client then physically moves to the other chair and responds as that parental figure. This physical movement is very significant. It allows the person to literally move into the world of the other. It allows for greater emotional arousal (cognitive shifts are more likely to take place if there are higher levels of affect). The dialogue between the Child Ego state of the client and parent continues till the client feels that he has let go of the original maladaptive decision and announced his or her voluntary adoption of a new decision, a healthier perspective on life.
Resolution can happen
1. As the client expresses the feeling which may have been repressed. Just the expression is sufficient to let go and open up options
2. As the client responds as his/her parent. Often resolution happens as the parent expresses he/her own helplessness or need. The client may begin to empathise with the other and yet claim his /her rights by saying, “you may want me to be more successful out of your concern for me, but I am going to celebrate my success and I am successful enough.”
If the resolution does not happen, then the therapist can step in with a process called the parent interview. In this the therapist then has a dialogue with the parental figure. If the client continues to be a victim, the therapist may also challenge the client by saying, “OK, tell your parent that you will continue to sulk and feel sorry for yourself all your life.” The client of course does not say this, but it makes them aware of their victim stance and encourages them to make the shift.
The client is encouraged to express what he or she wants to the parental figure. The therapist plays an active role in the process, almost like a director, asking the client to express how he/she feels and asks for what he/she wants clearly. The client then physically moves to the other chair and responds as that parental figure. This physical movement is very significant. It allows the person to literally move into the world of the other. It allows for greater emotional arousal (cognitive shifts are more likely to take place if there are higher levels of affect). The dialogue between the Child Ego state of the client and parent continues till the client feels that he has let go of the original maladaptive decision and announced his or her voluntary adoption of a new decision, a healthier perspective on life.
Resolution can happen
1. As the client expresses the feeling which may have been repressed. Just the expression is sufficient to let go and open up options
2. As the client responds as his/her parent. Often resolution happens as the parent expresses he/her own helplessness or need. The client may begin to empathise with the other and yet claim his /her rights by saying, “you may want me to be more successful out of your concern for me, but I am going to celebrate my success and I am successful enough.”
If the resolution does not happen, then the therapist can step in with a process called the parent interview. In this the therapist then has a dialogue with the parental figure. If the client continues to be a victim, the therapist may also challenge the client by saying, “OK, tell your parent that you will continue to sulk and feel sorry for yourself all your life.” The client of course does not say this, but it makes them aware of their victim stance and encourages them to make the shift.
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